Internal conflict and conflict with God has become a regular occurrence these last few months. For a myriad of reasons, I’ve been experiencing wide emotional turmoil. Heartbreak and loss of hope for my future lead me to an emotional and mental place I’d never been to before.
To summarize, I’ve been wrestling with God, I’ve never been closer to Him — and more aware of my insufficiencies. Leading me to a dilemma my family and pastors always spoke about, but I never thought I would relate to. The closer I am to God, the more I am aware of my need for forgiveness.
Saying this is a massive breakthrough. I spent years ‘unconvicted’ even while loving Jesus, knowing the Word, being Spirit-filled and well discipled. I felt lonely because I was unable to make sense of my faith and struggled to relate to the faith of my community. This season the testing of my faith furthered, not in a “is God real” sense, but more of a “why am I doing this”. I realized I’d distracted myself from what’s important and lost track of the truth. The line between subjective and objective truth became blurred, and suddenly, everything was on the table. In creating my ideal plans for the future and I became dependent on myself to see them to fruition, folly.
That is where I am at. Looking at my beliefs as they sit on a table. I don’t feel like moving. I’m too afraid to, afraid of being wrong, afraid that I would make decisions without God’s input. Afraid of falling away from Him and equally afraid of falling in love with a flawed image of God.
I lost track of hope only God could provide. In using my gifts, intellect and openness, to fill a destiny I wrote for myself and feed a hunger for satisfaction only God can provide.
To be lucid, I’m not content. Pray for me. I know God is going to give me peace. And I contend for as many answers as he’ll give me, but importantly, seek wisdom. Knowing facts is nice, but discernment is more important. As I try to make sense of life, I am depending on God to provide wisdom and exude my old folly. He’s maturing me in this season, giving me a wider emotional depth, greater ability to love everybody and everything, and a reason to serve.
Let’s go get coffee, share stories. Help look into the perfect law of liberty, the word.
I have plenty more to share, but I have a final to study for.
email me – calebingegneri@ gmail. com